"They say time is a healer
But it's more like a concealer for a scar."--Nevertheless

These were the lyrics I was trying to think of before with my last post. Perfectly describes the fact that no matter how much time passes after something happens in our lives, the memory, which can sometimes leaves a scar, is still there. Maybe it's lessened or lightened up over the years and become faint, but it's still there.

Time doesn't get rid of or erase the past. If only...

Time doesn't heal all wounds...

Why are some days easier than others? Some days I'm totally fine with being single--I even enjoy it. Other days, I can't stop thinking about past relationships, and what went wrong. I wonder what could have happened. I wonder what if...?

What if we were still together? What if we could have made it work? What if things had been different? The "what ifs" can drive you crazy.

Can you ever really forget? Time doesn't heal all wounds--the scars just become less noticeable. How long does it take before you don't feel the pain anymore? Pain does mean that we're alive, but it sure makes it hard to live.

I have hope...that someday the memories won't be so vivid. That the pain won't seem so real. That it won't take my breath away each time I think of what happened. That I won't think of what happened with sadness and despair. That I'll be able to think of my past with fondness of the good times had with hope for more in the future.

The mistakes I made, the paths I've taken...these experiences make me who I am today.

I pray that tomorrow I won't be consumed with regret, and that each day will get easier to process what happened and move on.

Today was rough. Lord, please let tomorrow be a little easier.

Great friends

A friend of mine once said something that came to mind today. I've thought a lot about moving somewhere else from time to time--to another place just for the experience. I realized recently that I want to stay in CT for now. I can't even explain it, but I know I'm supposed to be here...right here, right now. He said, "Maybe CT still needs you." I tend to agree.:) There's something here that's holding me, and I choose to stay here and see what God does and where He takes me from here. I don't know if I'll stay here forever, but I'm here now and I choose to be a part of what God has for me here.:)

Last night, had a great convo with a couple of friends of mine about relationships. They confirmed something for me I already knew, but was doubting myself over. We talked about how you won't ever doubt if a guy is into you. You'll know. He will call, send flowers, pursue you, and you will have no need to wonder if he likes and cares about you. Thank you! They told me to make a list, stick to it, and never compromise. Even if they lack only one thing on your list...that's a red flag. Pay attention, trust yourself and your instincts, and never compromise. Thank God for great friends. I did the right thing. I can be sure of that.

Friendship Foundation

All the guys I've dated have tried to pull me down to their level. Well, it's time to raise the bar. I want more and I deserve more. I did not know what I was getting into. Now I vow to go into relationships with my eyes wide open and a foundation of friendship.

Making some changes

I want to be more than I am today. I want to walk confidently into each day--to face each day on purpose.

I feel called to do a sort of "fast" from spending money on entertainment. We are so addicted to constantly being entertained in our society. I don't want to be that way. I think our parents had it right by keeping it simple. Why do we constantly feel the need to seek out every kind of entertainment we can possibly imagine? Why do we feel the need to spend our money aimlessly on such things that don't last but a few hours or so?

Don't get me wrong...I love movies and music and being entertained as much as the next person. I am just asking some hard questions of myself to see my motivation behind my constant need to be entertained. I spend a lot of money each month on entertainment. Movies, concerts, shows of all kinds, etc.

I have decided to make a conscious effort to dig deeper to find the motivations behind my desires. Why do I do the things I do? I know it's not reasonable to expect to never seek out any form of entertainment EVER, but for now I am on a fast until I come across something that I definitely want to do, and make sure I have the money to do that thing.

Making some changes with my money and the way I spend my time. Finally!

Here we go...

Scared to love, but scared to live alone...

It's been a crazy, emotional week. That's for sure. Thank goodness for great friends and for a God full of grace and mercy. Absolutely could not survive without either one. I am amazed at his blessings especially in the midst of emotional turmoil.

It's great to hear someone besides a single woman say that they feel sorry for anyone out there looking for a great, Jesus-loving guy. Even married women are saying this! Looks like slim-pickins out there.

At least they agree, but that doesn't provide much confidence for myself and all us single Christian ladies out there. I guess we can only put our hope in the one who gave us the desire to be married in the first place.

God, please meet our need. Sooner rather than later would be great.:) We love you, regardless.

I put my faith in you, and you threw it away...

"I never wanted to say this. You never wanted to stay. I put my faith in you, so much faith in you, then you just threw it away.

I'm not so naive, my sorry eyes can see. The way you fight shy of almost everything. Well, if you give up, you'll get what you deserve.

So what did you think I would say? No, you can't run away. No, you can't run away. You wouldn't!

You were finished long before we had even seen the start. Why don't you stand up? Be a man about it. Fight with your bare hands about it now.

I never wanted to say this. You never wanted to stay. I put my faith in you, so much faith in you, then you just threw it away. "

I've got this song by Paramore on repeat right now. It's resonating with me.

I don't know if I'm thinking straight anymore. Think I'll take a nap now.:)

Give myself away...

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."--author unknown.

This has been my life for the past few months. Unbeknownst to them, I'm sure.

I tend to do this without realizing it. Rearrange my life for a relationship. Not okay. If it was a serious relationship or we were married, then that's expected, but not for a dating relationship where you are just getting to know one another.

I give so much of myself away, and make changes that they never ask me to make, but I just assume they'd want me to in order for the relationship to work. That's not reality. I'm glad I'm realizing this about myself, so I can change for the future. Must Not Give Myself Away.

Especially for lines like this:

"Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you got 'fine' written all over you!"

Even a guy would agree...

You know you're being reasonable when even a guy agrees with your logic. They tend to be much more practical and straightforward.

When I told one guy about how my ex would disappear in the middle of texting conversations he said, "What did he die or fall asleep?" Thank you.

When I told a different guy the same thing he said, "He didn't even say I gotta go, or talk to you later, or anything?" Nope. He also said that with every passing minute that he doesn't text you back it makes him look worse. Thank you again.

This last guy friend asked if I had received any texts lately--meaning from my ex, and I told him no. Then I told him that I broke things off, and he asked, "Was there any resistance?" And I said no--which there wasn't. Again, coming from another guy that means if he cared about the relationship at all there would have been resistance. Thank you...I am NOT crazy!!!

Do you think I'm beautiful?

I'm not fishing for compliments here. Another book I've read in the past comes to mind recently. Great book for women on going to God with that question and realizing just how amazingly beautiful He thinks we are. "The King is enthralled by your beauty."--Psalm 45:11. Do we really believe that? Are we able to comprehend the depth of God's love for us? He is jealous for us. "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God."--Deut. 4:24.

I long to fully realize and live with that knowledge always at the forefront of my mind. People call me beautiful, and I tend not to believe them. But, when God calls me beautiful I just smile and know it's true.:)

They call it a "Break-Up" because it's broken.

I read a book once with that title. Obviously, I had just ended a relationship at the time--otherwise that would be a very odd book to just sit down and read on a Sunday afternoon. I bring it up now, because I just ended another relationship. I'm already tired of ending relationships and I've only had 2.

We only dated for a couple of months, but that doesn't make it any easier to let go of it. It's like saying there is no more hope for us. I had hope...not anymore.

On a good note, I'm pretty proud of myself for saying what I needed to say and how I felt without worrying about what the other person would say or do. It didn't matter. What I said needed to be said. I only wish I had been strong enough to say it sooner. I wanted to give us a chance, but it turns out I was giving him so many chances I lost count.

He called me insecure...and I was--regarding our relationship. How else am I supposed to react when someone disappears in the middle of conversations, doesn't contact me when they say they will, and only gets in touch when it's convenient for them? So, I turned around and told him he was inconsiderate. Not so much name-calling, but close enough.

You know at the end of the relationship you're kinda torn...while you know it would be better and easier if you didn't hear from them...a small part of you still wants them to fight for the relationship to show that you actually meant something to them.

I don't care how busy you are, if someone is important to you, you make the time to stay in touch...even if it's just a text here and there, or a quick phone call. If you have time to go out to dinner with friends, check your facebook page and add friends, and go to a dance class on the weekends, then you absolutely have time to pursue our relationship.

Feeling sorry for me yet?

Yes, he was busy. But, that's a cop-out. If you're too busy for a relationship, then why'd you ask me out? You must have thought you had enough time to pursue some sort of relationship.

I want to call him names, sit down and cry, or run away...or all 3. Right now I choose to sit down and type...crying might come later.

You know what, though. I deserve better. And I have hope and I believe that someday soon God will bring someone along who I will have no doubt that he will be made for me. God is calling me back to Him, and how can I say no to someone who loves me with such an amazing, unfailing love. I simply cannot.

Thank you Jesus.:) Be my everything.

Men are from Mars

Thank goodness men and women are different! And I don't just mean anatomically. Guys just bring such a different perspective on life. So logical, all about problem-solving, no games, no holding onto fights or issues--in fact, they often forget and move on. Girls, yeah, not so much. We are emotional, illogical, over-analyzing, holding onto things for too long instead of talking things through and moving forward. Okay, maybe that's just me, but I sense a trend among us female counterparts.

I think I need more guy friends. Girls are so complicated! Guys keep it simple. Simplifying my life sounds pretty great right about now.

Don't get me wrong...I absolutely LOVE my girlfriends and couldn't live without them. Sometimes, though, it'd be nice to hang out with some guys and not have to think so much. Ha!:)

Communication

They say communication is the key, and I would have to agree. I always dread having any kind of difficult conversation, but after I do it's so much better and really it's never as bad as I think it's gonna be.

Thank goodness for people in my life who can put up with the crazy and still talk to me.:)

I am such a weirdo. I think at times I am a bit too impulsive and I don't really think things through as to how I really feel--plus I have trouble trusting myself. Not sure where that comes from, but that's how I am. Praying I'm not that way forever. I want my yes to be yes and my no to be no and to do what I say I will do. Lord, help me!

Hungry for love

So hungry for love. What is it in me that causes me to ache with longing for someone to know me, to cherish me, to want to truly love me for all that I am and am trying to be? Why do I find it so easy to give parts of myself away to those who even hint that they might be willing to agree? This void inside cannot and will not be filled by anything other than Jesus. No matter how many times I try to stuff love, affection, companionship, friends, family, relationship, etc., into that void it will never be satisfied with the generic version of love.

True love can only be found in one place and from one person, Jesus Christ. The One who gave up everything so that we might have life and an abundant one at that. That should cause us to run to him and drop everything we hold onto that hinders our relationship with Him along the way. Only me and Jesus. That's what I need. Be my everything. Show me how to fill that void with You and only You and no substitutions. I can't bear to feel far away from You. You are my everything and everything that I need is in You. Why I ever doubt that I don't know...all I know is I always come back to the same conclusion--God, You are so much better at running my life than I am. Jesus, take the wheel, as Carrie Underwood would say. That's what I'm saying now.

Although, like Paul in Romans 7, I do the thing that I do not want to do. Why?! This battle within me rages and I don't know how to calm it down, defeat it, or make it go away. Maybe there is no way to do that. Pray, seek You, read Your instruction book...all these seem so simple, yet are so hard to fit into your daily life.

Everything goes screwey in my head and I forget everything or push it all aside to do what I want to do and try to justify it. Lord, teach me self-control. Teach me how to run from sin. I don't wanna stand up to it...I wanna run from it--that's the only truly safe way. I'm not strong enough to stand up to it...at least not right now.

Thank you that there is no condemnation for us who are in Christ Jesus. What a relief! Wrap me in Your loving arms and give me Your strength to face each day. Be my portion, my everything, my one true love.

To move or not to move...

Apparently, I have no idea what I'm doing. I change my mind constantly without warning. A little thought flitters in and I latch on and take off on a sprint with it. I'm thinking about moving again. The thought of looking for a job turns my stomach, but moving somewhere down South where it's cheaper and warmer sounds pretty darn good.:) So, what to do, what to do. I know this cloudy, gloomy weather makes me very tired, and I'm starting to think the cold, winter weather does, too. Lack of sunshine, Vitamin D, fresh air, etc., can really get to you. I didn't want to move just to move, but maybe I will 'cause why not? I have no ties here. I'm free to move wherever I please. Not a great reason to move, or maybe just not one that people choose to act on. Maybe it's crazy, or maybe it's awesome, or a little bit of both.

Transformations

Relationships are interesting, confusing, intriguing, mysterious, wonderful, annoying, exasperating, electrifying, etc., etc. We will probably never figure them out. How can we when every single one is different in some way, shape, or form? Plus, they are constantly changing, adapting, and growing as we grow, and adapt, and change.

Started my studies in Biblical Counseling, and loving this book I'm reading called, "Competent to Counsel," by Jay Adams. Pretty much a pioneer in the field. Nouthetic counseling is the official term used to denote counseling that contronts sin and points to the Bible for all answers. He talks about taking action and then your feelings will follow. If you wait until you feel like doing something, you never will. So true! Also, he talks about the Holy Spirit being able to make personality transformations, which I also believe is totally true.

I hate it when people say they can never change, or that person won't ever change...maybe that's true, but God can and does change people all the time. That's what He does best. He works in amazing transformations, and I'm so glad He does. I am absolutely not the same person I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago. I am constantly being transformed into His likeness--day by day, moment by moment. I struggle everyday with allowing God to work in my heart to make me more like Him.

Lord, let me bring You glory. This turned into a little sermon. Huh, would you look at that.:)

Thank goodness Spring is coming! Why does Winter always seem so long? I never really think abut it, but I read somewhere that plants need the Winter to recharge in order to come out in the Spring refreshed and budding with new life. Makes sense...like us humans need to recharge. Not for a whole season, but for a shorter period of time. Doesn't really make the Winter any easier. Gonna start planning more vacations in the Winter to help me get through.:) I do actually like the winter, snow, change in seasons. It also doesn't help that a lot of people around you complain constantly about it--it sucks you in! So, again, I say thank God Spring is on its way.

Relationships are weird. There aren't really any "rules," per se, but it seems like there are a lot of times. We long for people to share life with, but we also don't want to become dependent on them. It's tricky. With God, though, it requires dependence--which seems to go against our very nature. Depending totally on God's strength is mandatory to make it through. With other people, though, you must tread more carefully. I guess a good relationship means you do depend on each other, but also maintain some independence in pursuing things you enjoy that may not always be what they like.

How often you talk to someone seems to be up for grabs in the "rules" department. I know I need to talk to God everyday to stay sane, so I do, whether that's out of habit or dependence or both, I don't know. With a human relationship; however, it is a bit more hazy. If you talk too much one person may feel overwhelmed or smothered...if you don't talk enough the other person may feel like you don't share and aren't close enough. How do you find a happy medium? Where is the point where you meet in the middle? I suppose that's what communication is all about--talking these things through with each other to discover what the other person's expectations are and finding a place where you can compromise and both be happy with the result. Requires communication...not always a lot of it, but perhaps more good quality communication.

Life...does it ever get any easier? I don't think so, but at least it stays interesting.:)

Feeling orange today. Also, feeling North Carolina.:) Not sure what to do with myself. Apparently, not thinking too clearly...can't get my thoughts together. Maybe I know what I wanna say, but I'm too afraid to say it. I wanna move to NC sooner than later. I want to sell or get rid of all my big furniture and move down there with just the stuff I can fit inside my car, "Frita." Frita take me away! I want to try living in a different place. Someplace slower, more southern, cheaper, and new. I want a new experience...a new adventure. There's nothing wrong with that, right?
Went to Boston last weekend and had the best time! Went to visit a friend, and ended up making a few more in the process. God is so cool like that. I've been wondering about myself--if there was something wrong with me that people don't like something about me, or that I'm not enough in some way. Wrong! I made instant friends in Boston, so there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe there is something a little off with CT people! Or we just don't "mesh" well. It makes sense, I'm on the quieter side, and people here are more reserved, so for me to try to be outgoing is totally against my nature, and that's the only way to get to know people. I can be outgoing, if people respond...having a hard time with people not responding. Hello!!! Thinking maybe people down south are a bit more friendly, and more likely to respond to invitations. At least to say a yes or no--there've been so many times people just haven't responded either way. Rude! Just one of the many reasons I'd like to move.
NC I am coming, just you wait.:)

So, getting ready to teach another class. Maybe I should say no sometimes. 2 in a day takes a lot of energy. Maybe it's just because it's Friday, I don't know. Headed to Boston right after to visit a good friend, so that'll be a great time.:) 1 more class...I can do it!

I thought I'd try this blogging thing since writing things down is very cathartic for me. I am starting to wonder if I have a problem with overly talkative people. For some reason, I tend not to trust them as much as other people. For some, when people talk and share with others, this causes them to open up and share, as well. But, not the case with me. I do like to listen to others tell me about their lives, don't get me wrong, but for whatever reason when people talk a lot about nothing I get annoyed. I guess I don't trust easily? I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

Talkative people tend to be drawn to me, too. Not sure what that's about. I guess they can talk and talk and they think I listen intently, which I attempt to do, but after awhile I like some quiet. People make me feel like there's something wrong with me when I don't share, and when I don't talk to them. There's nothing wrong with me, I just don't feel like talking all the time! There is a time to talk and a time to be quiet. I tend to like more of the latter.

Unfortunately, people who are talkative tend to try to control everything around them, and because I don't talk as much, they tend to get away with it. This is my fault and something I am working on, but it goes both ways. I'll try to speak up more, but you gotta shut up sometimes! I hate it when people expect you to change, but refuse to even think about changing themselves.

I guess on that note I'll shut up myself.

Peace.